You Must be Able to Walk Away (by Ron)

"You have to be able to walk away!" "Don't fall so in love with something that you can't say no or wait for better timing!" "You'll regret it if you don't walk away from that deal!" Do these sound familiar? I heard them many times in my life and didn't always listen. So what happened to me when I didn't listen? I bought a car I couldn't afford but it sure was beautiful. I bought more than one house that was too expensive but they were "perfect", and I even bought an airplane that I didn't have time to fly and hadn't considered the cost of caring for and feeding it! In the long run, all the times I didn't listen contributed to serious financial problems later in my life.

So, have you heard this before? Did you listen? Most of us didn't. When you fall in love with a car, a house, a boat, an airplane or a person, the power of that desire often covers up all of the good reasons why you should walk away from the deal. With cars or houses or other toys it isn't really difficult to see the reasons why you should walk away. More often than not you are taking on a (financial) commitment that you knew deep down inside was a bad idea.

If you've fallen in love with a person it may not be quite so easy to walk away. You love them! You want them! You can't see how anything could be wrong because you love them so much! You can even see how much they love you! Why on earth would you want to walk away from all of that love? Love will conquer all. Right?

If you are asking yourself these questions you may need to seriously consider at least stepping back from the relationship for a while. How can you know for sure? Ultimately it's up to you, but I can offer a few guidelines that I have seen work for others who were asking themselves similar questions. I'm sure there are more and would welcome your comments and suggestions, but here is today's list.

1. Do the two of you share similar values? About love, family, finances, boundaries, spirituality, and commitments?
2. Are there things about your potential partner that irritate you now but which you are sure "will change after we are married?"
3. Is their something in your potential partner's history that raises red flags? Multiple short relationships? No relationships? Multiple divorces? Addictions? Serious financial problems? A pattern of dishonesty? There may be significant parts of his/her history about which you know nothing. Does that feel safe?
   
4. How about your interests? If one person cherishes outdoor activities and the other is an indoor person, how will that be handled? Do you love dancing while the other hates it? Golf? Bowling? Travel? No, your interests don't have to be the same but you should be able to see the path to compromise.
5. Are children involved? Do you feel that your children are accepted by your partner? Do you accept his/hers? How do the children react to the presence of your partner. You shouldn't let your children dictate your relationships but you are asking for trouble if you can't see a way for them to learn to accept, if not love, this new person.
6. In my opinion, the most important reason for you to at least back off and maybe even walk away from an otherwise attractive relationship is your gut. Do you have a "gut feeling," or "feeling in the pit of your stomach" that something is just not right? It doesn't matter what it might be. What's important is the feeling. We regularly ignore these feelings of intuition or foreboding and very often this leads to problems that could have been avoided had we trusted our feelings and intuition.

I'm not suggesting that you walk away from every opportunity or relationship that doesn't fit a specific set of standards, rules, or needs. There wouldn't be many relationships if we always let our doubts get in the way of love. All I'm suggesting is that you should always be willing to walk away.

Of course there are relationships that work well even though there were serious doubts in the beginning. Unfortunately, I believe those are the exception. If there are serious questions or doubts or if you simply can't see how you can make the differences work for you then you should definitely walk away. Don't wait one or five or ten or more years to realize this relationship is wrong for you. Make the break now. Grieve the loss now. Use the years you might have spent in a bad relationship to celebrate the good one you allowed yourself to find. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to recover from the heartache. And the longer you wait the more people you involve in the loss.

Yes, you must be able to walk away. Although it may not feel like it at the time, you will find just the right car or house or person with whom to spend the rest of your life.

Gayle's List

What are 5 things Ron can say or do that make you feel loved?

1. Putting up with my sense of humor even though I know it’s overwhelming for him at times.

2. Sharing the people, places, and things he loves the most with me.

3. Eye contact with me and interest in what I am saying even when I know the topic may be a bit boring for him.

4. His abiding patience when I am in “buzzy hummingbird” mode.

5. His willingness to share his feelings with me even though he’s more of a”thinker” than a“feeler”.

Ron's List

What are 5 things Gayle can say or do that make you feel loved?

1. Seeing how much she loves my kids and grandkids.

2. A gentle touch.

3. Listening to what I have to say no matter what it is.

4. Seeing her smile at me.

5. Telling me when I’ve done something well or that she appreciates me.

Generosity of Spirit (By Ron)

About 80% of the couples in my practice come in with communication, sex, or money issues. Every now and then a couple presents with step-children problems or questions. These can be from blended families or those in which only one partner brought children to the relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, the problems are often significant.

When Gayle and I married I already had four children, the youngest of whom was in her teens. Not surprisingly, none of them were happy that their mom and I had divorced. They also weren’t happy that I was marrying Gayle (or anyone else for that matter.) Gayle knew it was likely she would face problems like most step-parents.

So, how did she approach the potential for problems with my kids? She "loved" (a verb) them. Over time she grew to "love" (a noun) them. She went through quite a bit of “not being accepted” behavior and did not let it turn her away from me or my kids. I could see how it hurt her but she continued to hang in there. She knew there was no “us” without them.

It takes a great deal of generosity of spirit to be able to persevere in the face of non-acceptance. She could see they simply didn’t know how to handle what had happened. Although it felt like it at times, she knew it wasn't personal. Her arms were and are always open to them and their families. Doing it in their own different ways, they have also come to love (both the verb and noun) her even though she isn’t and doesn’t try to be their mother. They recognize how giving she is and are able to give back to her.

We consciously made the decision to not have children together. My kids are her “bonus” children and she loves them dearly. Together we have 12 grandchildren. They know "Gigi" only as their grandparent. They don’t question it. They know the depth of love and generosity of spirit that Gayle has for them.

Ours is not a particularly unique situation. Quite often, however, relationships fail because a partner cannot endure the isolation that comes from being the “outsider.” It takes a strong and generous spirit to survive and thrive as has Gayle.

Come Grow Selfisher With Me - WDIHTC - Part 4 (by Ron)

I learned that sometimes being selfish is a worthy goal. Finally, I was selfish enough to see that I had to stop talking and start listening – especially when we were fighting. If I wanted her to hear me maybe I needed to hear her. I was selfish enough to see she was often right about a point of contention between us and to admit her being right did not diminish me. I was selfish enough to see that it was OK for her to have a life outside of us. I was selfish enough to tell her when I was angry with her and not wait for days or weeks or never. I was selfish enough to listen to her anger without being defensive. I was selfish enough to stop telling myself I knew more than she did. I loved her selfishly enough to do what it took to make our marriage work.

Relationships! They are a pain in the ass sometimes. Good ones are wonderful lots of the time. They are also boring at times. Bad ones can destroy you if you let them. If you want your relationship to grow and be fulfilling, you have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to adjust to your partner’s changes and the changes in the relationship as it matures. You have to be willing to be selfish.

As my mom and dad neared the end of their days they finally began to interact with me as an adult and not just their baby. They each began to talk with me about their life together. I learned from mom that she didn’t always like her role. She felt it never ended and she never got a rest. She felt she was taken for granted by all of us and often ignored by dad. I learned from my dad that they often argued and that mom was a difficult woman with whom to live. He told me there were times he just wanted to leave, but that wasn’t an option in the “innocent” times. So, they stayed together for more than sixty years. They reached an accommodation and became companions. I don’t think they were ever intimate in the way I have come to know it. I do believe they had what my couples clients must have for success. They loved each other.

Gayle and I are friends, companions, lovers, peers, business partners and are still learning true intimacy. How? By no longer asking why we need to change. We just do. We understand that if one of has an issue with the other – we BOTH have a problem. We learn to change because we are selfish. We know what we want and to keep having what we want we are willing to change. Stagnation isn’t an option for us. By changing how we experience life and each other we are new individuals each day and our relationship is constantly transmuted

Why do you need to change – because you want to be happy. It’s really that simple.

Selfishness always gets a bad rap! WDIHTC - Part 3 (by Ron)

Imagine my shock when realized I was indeed a hypocrite. I really didn’t love her the way she was and often would tell her so when I was angry. With the 15 extra years of wisdom, I knew I was right. Heck – I didn’t need the 15 years for vindication, but it was shame to waste such good justification! On the other hand, I rarely let her know what I needed from her when I wasn’t angry. As a result, it was hard to make my case when all I was doing was pointing my finger and blaming. I still didn’t understand relationships (even with 15 years of extra/excess wisdom!) I still didn’t understand give and take. I still didn’t understand that it was OK to be angry but not OK to be blaming. Our age difference wasn’t the cause of my unhappiness – I was.

It’s not really important to know the result of James’ and Judy’s counseling. What’s important is to know how to answer when you ask yourself that question. So, here it is – it goes for Decembers, Mays, and anyone else in a primary relationship. Here’s the answer to “why do I have to change?” It’s simple. You change so that you can have your way! You change so that you can get what you want! Does that sound selfish? Of course it does. How often have you gotten what you want by not being selfish? Selfishness has always gotten a bad rap. The question is - are you willing to be selfish enough to make your marriage work? (more to follow...)

The Plot Thickens - WDIHTC Part 2 (by Ron)

Then I met Gayle! She was something totally new. I was a country boy. She was a city girl. I was a child of the fifties. She grew up in the sixties. Our age gap is almost 15 years. We were like oil and water (May-December) and as you know, oil and water don’t mix. But she surely was exciting and lo and behold, we eventually married. If you have ever ridden a really high and fast roller coaster with lots of climbs and drops you know about the first few years of our marriage.

One day I was sitting in my office with a couple I was counseling. We’ll call them James and Judy. They had been married for nine years and had two children. James had been raised by a father like me who was a product of the innocent age when everyone knew their job and place in life. Judy had been raised by younger parents who were products of the sixties and seventies.

“Why do I have to change?” James was asking. “I’m coming home from work earlier. I’m drinking less. I’m trying to be better about yelling at the kids. I’ve done so many things I’ve never done before and it’s still not enough! She’s still after me to make more changes! Why do I have to be the one to change and not her? Why can’t she just accept me the way I am?”

I couldn’t recall how many times I had heard that question from both men and women in couples counseling, but it was a lot. It continues to be one of the questions I am asked most often as a marriage counselor.

I don’t remember the first time I asked the same question but I know I did. I’m not even sure I said it out loud but I was certainly yelling it in my head. “What more does she want? When will I be enough for her? When will I finally be doing what she wants or not doing what she doesn’t want? Why do I have to be the one to change even more? Why can’t she accept me the way I am? The next thought or verbalization was often; “I love her the way she is, why can’t she love me the same way?” But was I being a hypocrite? (more to follow...)

Thanking my Honey (by Gayle)

Over the next few days, we'll be running a series of posts authored by Ron about change. The upcoming blogs pick up where his left off on Sunday. While he's blogging away, I'm busily working on "platform-building". I got our My Space page up today and am off to create a page for Face Book. Can I just tell you that my wrists are starting to hurt from too much keyboarding?! Ouch!!

So while I'm being The Ronnengale Company's webmaster this week, the Ronmaster will be giving you something to think/read about. Excellent partnerships are a real blessing. I've always said - "when put side-by-side two lights shine more brightly than one." Thanks honey! I love you.

Some Things Are The Same (by Ron)

You meet someone who is considerably older or younger than you. There is a spark between you, interest, curiosity, attraction. For these and other reasons you begin to get to know each other and before you know it your interest has turned into something much deeper and you find yourself in an age-gap relationship.

I remember the early days of the relationship between Gayle and me. Aside from the fact that there were tumultuous days at times, most were surprisingly normal. Of course there were some interesting issues because of our age differences, but for the most part the progression of our growth followed patterns similar to the growth of any new relationship.

When we decided to move in together we had problems getting used to having the other person in our space 24/7. Since we did not merge our finances until much later we had to determine how we were going to share the expenses. How were we going to share the chores around the house? Who cooked? Who cleaned? Who did the grocery shopping? Did we do our own laundry or combine it? Who drove when we went somewhere together, etc.

Does this sound familiar? If you are in an age-gap relationship then you have probably experienced similar situations. If there is no significant age gap in your relationship you have probably experienced similar situations. Isn’t that interesting? Of course there are some unique situations in an age-gap relationship but, surprisingly, the beginnings of all relationships follow patterns similar to those I mentioned above. The relative ages of the partners have little or no bearing on most of them.

Society today likes to fixate on age differences in relationships. “Oh, he or she is too old for her/him. It will never work! She’s after his money! She's his trophy wife!” In some relationships these may be true. In the vast majority of the millions of age-gap relationshps in the U.S., the couples are together for the same reason as most couples; they met and fell in love. Love knows no age difference. It's our thinking that trips us up. When we start blaming the problems on age, we automatically rule out a solution. You can't change your age, but you can change your mind.

Why Does Getting Better Usually Involve Feeling Worse? (by Gayle)

If you read Earnest Talks, you’ve read about our dog Shorty and you may even know he is being treated for heart worms. We knew he had a mild case of the little buggers, when we adopted him last December, but they thought his preventative medicine would do the trick. Last week, I took him in for his 6 month check up. Our vet decided we needed to go ahead and treat Shorty’s heart worms more aggressively. The first injection left Shorty sore, droolie, lethargic (but restless), and obviously confused – much like Ron after a recent alternative treatment for his arthritic knee. (There is an orthopedic surgeon in Irving who sharpens his scalpels when he sees Ron’s name in the appointment book. He can’t wait to replace those knees. Ron is trying just about anything to avoid this outcome. Ron blogged about this treatment which he describes as torture.)

I went outside to check on Shorty and found both he and Ron in the backyard. You could see the love and despair in Ron’s body language as he watched Shorty’s unrest. Had there been another observer in our yard that day, he or she would have seen the love and despair in my body language as I watched Ron watching Shorty. Ron noticed my surveillance and just looked at me and shook his head. I could tell he was close to tears. In nearly a whisper I said to him “welcome to my world.” His gentle eyes told me he understood what I meant. He knows I struggle when I see his pain. He said, “at least I can talk”. I remember thinking that while we humans can talk when we are in pain – often we choose silence. I’m learning to live with the silence when it happens. I try not to take it personally, but the damn helpless is the hardest part.

I felt a strange sense of validation when I saw my helpless on Ron’s face. I believe it’s part of loving fiercely. There are things we just can’t "fix". In my worst moments several years ago when my best friend was dying, I found comfort in the words of Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem – The Invitation .

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

Ron and I both knew this knee treatment would make him feel worse before he got better. We knew that Shorty would feel worse before he got better. I even know when clients walk in the door of my office they may leave feeling worse than when they came. The doctor who's doing the alternative treatments for Ron has Marine's t-shirt which says - "pain is weakness leaving the body." I think what we don't often take into account is how darn weak we are going to feel while we watch someone else's pain leave their body.

Thankfully, winter leads to spring. The earth may get cold and hard and the tree are barren but new growth lies just beneath the surface hidden from sight. Austere hibernation is a vital part living. You can’t hide it, fix it, or fade it. You just sit with it, sometimes hold a hand, and keep breathing.

On Becoming Old, Bitchy, and Itchy (by Gayle)

I'm weary of being told that 50 is the new 30 or 40 or 49 or whatever. I wonder if it isn't our newest form of denial. And I'm certain it can be more pressure to be more (or less) than we already are.

I've been married to Ron for 21 years. On our wedding day, he was about to turn 45 and I had recently celebrated my 30th birthday. Those numbers meant nothing me. We were (and are) so compatible that age just wasn't a consideration. When he turned 50, I teased him about the AARP literature flooding our mailbox. He took it well and teased back. He warned me my day was coming albeit 15 years down the road. Even our "60-45" year didn't seem very monumental. It was notable because Ron was going into a new decade (something he was doing for only the 6th time in his life). I thought the occasion was worthy of a surprise party. We celebrated with friends and family at a casino in Louisiana.

But when our "49-64" year hit, I got all itchy (and bitchy) inside. I was prepared for the AARP mailings, but I wasn't prepared for the Medicare sign up mailings that were coming to "get" Ron. All of a sudden, I wasn't just dealing with my shriveling ovaries squeezing out the last of their eggs and the night sweats that were waking me up far before sunrise. My aging was no longer only about me. I was experiencing it against the backdrop of his aging and he was 15 years ahead of me. The boundaries were blurry.

The (thankfully mild) stroke Ron had in 2003 happened inside his brain, but it changed our lives. The knees that need replacing are under his skin, but the way they impact us is getting under mine. I want him to be 50 with me and I don't want to be 65 with him (except when he is 80). The fact of the matter is different than the heart of the matter. What does matter is our love - a love I believe existed before this life and will go with us into the next. So age doesn't get to matter now.

In any relationship, a large part of our happiness relates to focus (you know the glass half full or empty thing.) You don't generally start a May-December romance focusing on age. But, when things get rough, it easy to place the focus there. In reality, what is happening to us could be happening to anyone. It has nothing to do with May or December or age or gaps. It has to do with life. It has to do with what Ron talks about in his post "Life is a Death Sentence."

So, the next time I'm shredding mail from AARP and Medicare I'll be finding a new focus. I'm going to shred it with a vengeance, channel my anger that this life comes with an expiration date into the grinding sound of the blades, and give thanks I get one more day to live and love...

Life is a Death Sentence (by Ron)

When did I know that was what I was thinking? I think it was December 10. 2007, the day I "celebrated" my 65th birthday. It might also have been when I began to be inundated with applications for all of the various Medicare providers to "old folks" like me.

Well, I guess the birthday celebration was better than the alternative. I have to say, though, 65 is the first birthday that has given me a problem. I now think 60 was probably the one to which I should have paid attention. Although I am trained in psychotherapy I had not realized until now I was already in Erickson's final psychosocial stage of personality development. I thought that stage began at 65. When I reached 65 and the number actually bothered me I checked. I have been in it for 5 years! I must have missed that Age and Stage class.

So, at 65 I checked Erickson. You know what? There aren't any more stages! Did he think personality development ended at 60? I don't know about him but I think not! I don't care what we call it but I believe my biggest challenge began at 65. I'm fighting an aging body, an often unreliable memory, and a lingering belief in our society that life begins to end at 65. I have to admit it has sometime felt like a losing battle and yet I know I will lose only if I surrender.

You know what? Life is a death sentence. We received our sentence at conception. If we lived with that consciously hanging over our heads we would be unlikely to experience any personality development. For some reason fear finally triggered for me on December 10th, although it was just another day as had been the 64 birthdays before. So, I am working to extend the beginning of Erikson's final stage to 75 or 85 or 95. (105 anyone?) Then I may need to look back. Now I'm looking forward.

Oh, I will fill out the Medicare forms when I get closer to retiring in a few years. In the meantime I let my current medical plan take care of me. It's much better than Medicare.

In a May/December relationship it's inevitable that one partner will reach a milestone age before the other. It's likely the younger partner will not fully understand the reaction of the older partner. Gayle and I each reached milestone ages in 2007. Hers was 50 and you can check out her feelings about that in her blog.

It doesn't matter how long you are together. It doesn't matter how much you believe you know the other's thoughts. You can never fully understand the emotional experience of another human being. Sometimes the best solution is to just let your partner experience the pain, fear, elation, or whatever. I know that is painful at times but you must trust your partner to know how to ask for help when necessary. Asking for help is another skill that will be discussed in later blogs.