Generosity of Spirit (By Ron)

About 80% of the couples in my practice come in with communication, sex, or money issues. Every now and then a couple presents with step-children problems or questions. These can be from blended families or those in which only one partner brought children to the relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, the problems are often significant.

When Gayle and I married I already had four children, the youngest of whom was in her teens. Not surprisingly, none of them were happy that their mom and I had divorced. They also weren’t happy that I was marrying Gayle (or anyone else for that matter.) Gayle knew it was likely she would face problems like most step-parents.

So, how did she approach the potential for problems with my kids? She "loved" (a verb) them. Over time she grew to "love" (a noun) them. She went through quite a bit of “not being accepted” behavior and did not let it turn her away from me or my kids. I could see how it hurt her but she continued to hang in there. She knew there was no “us” without them.

It takes a great deal of generosity of spirit to be able to persevere in the face of non-acceptance. She could see they simply didn’t know how to handle what had happened. Although it felt like it at times, she knew it wasn't personal. Her arms were and are always open to them and their families. Doing it in their own different ways, they have also come to love (both the verb and noun) her even though she isn’t and doesn’t try to be their mother. They recognize how giving she is and are able to give back to her.

We consciously made the decision to not have children together. My kids are her “bonus” children and she loves them dearly. Together we have 12 grandchildren. They know "Gigi" only as their grandparent. They don’t question it. They know the depth of love and generosity of spirit that Gayle has for them.

Ours is not a particularly unique situation. Quite often, however, relationships fail because a partner cannot endure the isolation that comes from being the “outsider.” It takes a strong and generous spirit to survive and thrive as has Gayle.

A Dishwasher Primer (By Ron)

I read with interest Gayle's comments about how we dealt with responsibilities early in our relationship. She was right, she didn't like the way I loaded the dishwasher. I don't remember why, but that's not important. As I said in an earlier post, I was selfish enough to learn how she wanted it done.

So, have you ever looked carefully at a dishwasher? Have you checked the baskets that roll out to make it easier to load? Most dishwashers, like ours, have compartments that are designed for certain sized glasses, cups, plates, saucers, pans, etc. There is a certain symmetry about a dishwasher. If you load it wrong, what it is supposed to wash does not get clean. Somehow over the years of our marriage I became the (best) loader of the dishwasher. That's right. I don't like the way Gayle loads the dishwasher. I don't like the way the cleaning lady loads the dishwasher. I do like the way I load the dishwasher.

This blog is not really about dishwashers. It is about change. When Gayle let me know how she felt about the way I loaded the dishwasher, change began. Yes, I listened and watched as she showed me how she wanted it done. I don't think it mattered at the time because I really didn't have a great deal of experience loading dishwashers and was willing to learn. I began loading it her way.

It's good to remember that change continues throughout your life. I don't recall when the worm turned, so to speak, but there came a time when I noticed that Gayle no longer loaded the dishwasher to my satisfaction. I didn't stew over it and get mad, I just rearranged the dishes. I didn't hide it from Gayle, either. I told her what I had done and why. She was fine with it. Her solution was to let me be the chief dishwasher loader. That works very well for me.

Often, change is not quite so obvious. Sometimes it happens even without your knowledge. I can't pinpoint the time that my method of loading dishes became my preference, but it did. I didn't even know it until the first time I rearranged what Gayle had done. It may not seem momentous, but small changes can make a huge difference in relationships.

We talk about someone not picking up their socks, or not closing a door (a huge problem with one of my couples.) On the outside looking in a lot of things may seem unimportant. The thing to remember in any relationship is that we each get to assign our own level of importance to any problem. Keep in mind that the reaction to a small problem like picking up socks can mask unexpressed anger or hurt. Be aware. Be present. Watch, listen and learn as your relationship matures.

I Got Happiness Instead (by Gayle)

When Ron and I met we were both smokers. A few years later I quit and within a few months Ron did too. Over time cigarettes found their way back into our lives (okay, we found them) and we became full time smokers (addicts) again. Neither of us had any delusions about smoking. We knew the health consequences and each professed a desire to be smoke free. I smoked my last cigarette in early 1992. This time Ron did not quit. He made attempts, but continued to wrestle with it for another eleven years. He no longer smoked in the house and sometimes even hid it from me. Mostly he just kept me out of it. When he began having blood pressure problems in the mid-nineties, I became adamant that he quit smoking NOW. I knew I was right.

He knew I was right too, but that didn’t make it easier for him to quit. What started out as a heartfelt plea to my husband became nagging. The nagging morphed into bitching and the bitching became unadulterated harassment. I felt vindicated. The surgeon general was on my side, his doctors were on my side, for the most part society was on my side, and his children were on my side.

I was right and I knew it, but being right wasn’t making me happy. What were my choices? I could leave him (physically and/or emotionally) or I could practice some acceptance. I did neither for the majority of the time. I stayed in my “rightness” and judged the hell out of him. One of the most painful memories I have was telling him that I thought he was weak because he continued to smoke. Talk about a self-righteous bitch. He was battling an addiction and I invalidated him over and over again. I have since asked for and been given his forgiveness, but I am still sad when I remember how I acted.

In the year or two before he quit smoking, I finally began to set better boundaries for myself. I was never happy about his smoking, but I agonized less. I searched and found ways to reduce (I didn’t say quit) my need to control him. I found more acceptance for his struggle and knew it was not my battle to fight. I never did it perfectly, but I was happier and so was he.

How did I do it? I practiced what we "preached" in our blogs "Selfishness Alway Gets a Bad Rap" and Come Grow Selfisher With Me. I selfishly decided my happiness was more important than my need to right. I focused on what worked in my life and in our life and I did a lot of praying...

In March of 2003 he made the choice for himself to smoke his last cigarette.

Life holds so much - so much to be so happy about always. Most people ask for happiness on conditions. Happiness can be felt only if you don't set conditions.
~Artur Rubinstein

I Just Wanted the Dishwasher Loaded the Right Way (by Gayle)

So many recurring problems in relationships boil down to our need to be right. It’s a universal problem with or without a significant age gap. I think the age difference just gives us another justification for our position. Statements such as “You don’t have as much experience as I” or “times have changed and you are stuck in the past” come to mind.

I would love to tell you it was my time spent as a counselor that taught me how to work with and resolve these issues, but I can't. Most of what I learned was from the time I spent in counseling (both with and without Ron). I wish I’d learned some of the lessons sooner, but I’m grateful to have learned them at all.

I remember early in the relationship arguing with Ron about cleaning the house. I wanted more help. He began stepping up and making it happen, but I didn't like the way he loaded the dishwasher. I don’t even remember what I thought he was doing wrong. I just remember complaining in a very condescending way and of course, he got angry. I didn’t think he was right (or had a right) to be angry. I thought he just needed to follow my directions. After all, he was a man so I knew more about washing dishes than he did!

I was getting what I wanted, but I wasn't happy because I didn’t get it exactly as I wanted it. Every time I saw how he loaded the dishes it really teed me off. What was his problem? I was asking for something simple. “If you are going to help out and do the dishes, then do them the right way. After all, if you will just let me show you exactly what I want it won’t take you any longer. What’s the big deal?”

Dishes are just dishes. It’s not usually a life or death situation but committed relationships have ended over smaller things. It would be more clear cut in a real matter of life and death - wouldn't it? Ponder that for a bit - there's more on this subject tomorrow.