Building Better Boundaries - Part 2 - Of Sausages and Picket Fences (by Ron)

In the previous Boundaries post, I talked about sausages and picket fences. Those are the metaphors Gayle and I developed to help us understand the function of our personal boundaries. Both have as their principle metaphorical function the free, but managed flow of ideas, actions, beliefs, etc. into and out of our personal space.

We don't always manage to protect that flow and sometimes find our boundaries have been breached before we even know it. We must first know how that happens before we can correct it. In this post I want to take the topic further by listing various types of boundaries and posing some questions below each one. Hopefully these will help you identify actions or beliefs that prevent you from properly protecting the integrity of your sausages and picket fences.

Emotional Boundaries - Do you...

• Minimize or withhold your feelings to avoid conflict? I've found I usually feel even worse if I do this. After all, I can't avoid the conflict inside me.

• Feel you have the right to hurt someone back when they hurt you rather than dealing with the pain directly? This approach doesn't work to get me what I need to feel better. Instead I usually end up feeling even more pain because I don't like myself for being so dishonest.

• Believe your happiness depends on others? For argument's sake let's say this is true. Doesn't that mean you can be only as happy as they are? That's a risk I don't want to take.
  

• Pick people who hurt you emotionally? You may find yourself going from one emotionally distant or unavailable relationship to another. This is a boundary many of my clients have failed to protect.

• Feel ashamed of who you are? We are responsible for our own feelings of worthiness. I can feel shame for something I might have done and still protect my good feelings about who I am.

Intellectual Boundaries - Do you...

• Let other people's actions, words, and attitudes determine your behaviors, words, and or attitudes? What better example can I use than the current presidential campaign? The hundreds of millions of dollars that are spent to get our vote are shameless, but often work.

• Have difficulty making up your mind? I'm surprised at how easy it is for me to make the big decisions, like on cars or houses, and how difficult it is to make a decision about where to eat dinner. That may sound a little silly but patterns of poor decision making often become huge problems in relationships.

• Find it easier to go along with others than to disagree? When your friends want to do A and you want to do B, who wins? You do if you make your decision based on your needs and beliefs. "Going along" for the sake of not making waves is not the same as going after making a purposeful decision.
  

• Trust others' beliefs and knowledge more than yours? I may know something that you don't. I probably have beliefs that differ from yours in some way. That does not make me your expert. Only you know what you know. Sound silly? It isn't. We all need to get feedback sometimes, but ultimately we need to trust ourselves.
  

• Ever tell yourself "I am not sure what I know? When I feel unsure of myself I first take the time to look within to see if I can determine the source of my self-doubt. If this isn't enough, I go outside of myself to study and/or seek help to find the knowledge I am missing.

Spiritual Boundaries - Do you...

• Have difficulty knowing your spiritual nature and beliefs? Surrounded by so many religious organizations our challenge is to search within for our spirituality and to know it for ourselves. I learned what I now know in a secular workshop. You will learn what you know in your own way if you refuse to give up the search.

• Find it easier to go along with the beliefs of your family than to disagree? As a child I was taught what to believe. As an adult I had to learn what I believe. Disagreeing with the family was never easy, but it was certainly necessary for me.

• Are you afraid if you believe differently than your family they will no longer love you? You may have to take that chance when you make your own spiritual decision. I believe love will win out if it was real before you made your decision.

• What if your beliefs are wrong? Only you and your higher power know if you are right. Allowing fear to keep you from believing will only make your search more difficult. After all, only your "faith" can prove your "beliefs" and even then, only to you.

• Do you think it's not OK to have your own beliefs? Whether surrounded by love or not we are on this spiritual journey alone. When it comes to spirituality and other beliefs you are very fortunate - only you can know what's right for you.

Physical Boundaries -Do you...

• Believe other peoples' needs are more important than yours? I knew a man in my home town who placed his mother's needs before his until she died. At the age of 45 he finally started dating and eventually married. By the way, his mother was never ill, just demanding.

• Allow others to violate your privacy? I believe many people are naturally inquisitive and don't recognize boundaries. Intruding on your private thoughts, writings or areas just seem to come naturally. If you don't protect your privacy, they will certainly continue to intrude.
  

• Pick people who hurt you physically? How many times have we heard "he didn't mean to, he loves me" as the partner explains away the behavior of his or her abuser? Both of them need to learn how to deal with their pathology. Most don't. This is a pattern you can break with help.

• Feel ashamed of your physical self? Your physical appearance is rarely the issue here. You see what you feel, not what is real. Getting to know yourself is much more important than the right clothes, losing weight, applying makeup, or getting the perfect haircut.
  

• Have difficulty saying either "no" or "yes" in sexual situations? Saying "yes" in the appropriate situations can be as meaningful as a well-placed "no!" To most of us our sexuality is the ultimate boundary and deserves to be both protected and enjoyed.

Other Boundaries - Do you...

• Feel if only _______would happen it would change your life and you would finally be happy? And what if it doesn't? In most cases the changes never happen or aren't sufficient to "make you happy." On the other hand, you changing that belief can work wonders with your happiness.

• Accept limitations with "this is just the way I am?" Then that's just the way you will stay - limited. "I can be more" is so easy to say. Try it on and see what happens.
  

• Get your feelings hurt easily? I normally don't have to look too deeply inside to learn why my feelings are hurting. With that knowledge I can begin to deal with the pain. Without it I just hurt.

• Feel different? Well, rejoice! You are! Seriously though, you are! Sometimes I'm told I enjoy my difference too much. Most times I just love knowing I am completely unique in this world. So are you. It's all perception.

• Feel generally fearful? Fear is always about the future. Since it is in the future you still have choices. As long as there are choices you still have hope.

For most of us repairing and maintaining our boundaries is the most valuable work we will ever do. It seems as if the "world" goes out of its way to violate or intrude upon our boundaries. We are the only ones who can maintain and protect them. Although it is good to seek assistance, we must ultimately do the hard work ourselves. I will talk more about that work in future blogs about this topic.

Read Part One

Building Better Boundaries - Part 1 (by Ron)

This is the first installment of a series about boundaries. In it I hope to introduce you to our concept of boundaries. The first thing I did was to ask the internet to help me define boundaries. It’s not as simple as you might think. In fact, according to the magic of Google the list is almost endless. Here are a very few of the more interesting definitions:

Boundaries:

• According to worldnet.princeton.edu a boundary is “the line or plane indicating the limit or extent of something.” I kind of like that one since it includes limits.
  
  
• In en.wikipedia.org, as used in Topology (a made-up word for Geometry?) a boundary has something to do with “a subset S of a topological space X is the set of points which can be approached…” The remainder just gets worse but it reminded me of how confused many of us are about our boundaries so I included it.
  
  
• And this definition from dakotapathways.org says it like I think it should be said. A boundary “indicates a border or a limit.” A Limit, again! That’s what we all strive to develop in our lives from the first breath we draw until the last – Limits!
  

This and following installments will strive to help you understand your boundaries, or lack thereof, and hopefully, how to improve them. So what are your personal boundaries? Your skin is one. It helps keep out illness, among other things. Your beliefs are boundaries. They protect you in many ways and are constantly being bombarded by outside (and inside) forces. The physical space around you is a boundary. Your physical body is also a boundary.

Over the years as we spoke about boundaries in our workshops, Gayle and I developed two quite different metaphors that reach the same conclusion. Gayle likes to explain boundaries with a sausage link metaphor. When you put a whole sausage into a pan or skillet with other foods the permeable casing (boundary) allows flavors to pass both ways, into and out of the sausage. This blending of tastes enhances the flavors of all the foods involved. No one taste overwhelms the other. When you take the sausage out of the casing and cook with it, it loses its shape and form. It's flavor adds to the dish but you can no longer tell where the sausage begins or end.

I prefer a chain-link or picket fence metaphor. Since we live in Texas it’s much more likely that we would have six or eight foot privacy fences but even these fit into the metaphor. If you have a picket or chain-link fence there are lots of open spaces. If you have dogbabies, as do we, they can easily commune with the neighbors' dogs without fear of coming into physical contact. If your boundaries resemble these fences then you have developed space around you that allows the in and out flow of ideas but no physical or emotional contact that you do not invite. These boundaries allow an exchange of ideas and of your person, should you wish.

So, think of your boundaries as being flexible and strong even though they allow permissible ideas, thoughts, and personal contact. They are not like privacy fences which don’t allow exchanges. Those are walls, not boundaries.

As you read this try to imagine these boundaries around you. Think about who invades them and who respects them. Ask yourself how you fail to tend to your boundaries. The next few blogs will get into some specifics about how we succeed and how we fail to protect our boundaries.

You Must be Able to Walk Away (by Ron)

"You have to be able to walk away!" "Don't fall so in love with something that you can't say no or wait for better timing!" "You'll regret it if you don't walk away from that deal!" Do these sound familiar? I heard them many times in my life and didn't always listen. So what happened to me when I didn't listen? I bought a car I couldn't afford but it sure was beautiful. I bought more than one house that was too expensive but they were "perfect", and I even bought an airplane that I didn't have time to fly and hadn't considered the cost of caring for and feeding it! In the long run, all the times I didn't listen contributed to serious financial problems later in my life.

So, have you heard this before? Did you listen? Most of us didn't. When you fall in love with a car, a house, a boat, an airplane or a person, the power of that desire often covers up all of the good reasons why you should walk away from the deal. With cars or houses or other toys it isn't really difficult to see the reasons why you should walk away. More often than not you are taking on a (financial) commitment that you knew deep down inside was a bad idea.

If you've fallen in love with a person it may not be quite so easy to walk away. You love them! You want them! You can't see how anything could be wrong because you love them so much! You can even see how much they love you! Why on earth would you want to walk away from all of that love? Love will conquer all. Right?

If you are asking yourself these questions you may need to seriously consider at least stepping back from the relationship for a while. How can you know for sure? Ultimately it's up to you, but I can offer a few guidelines that I have seen work for others who were asking themselves similar questions. I'm sure there are more and would welcome your comments and suggestions, but here is today's list.

1. Do the two of you share similar values? About love, family, finances, boundaries, spirituality, and commitments?
2. Are there things about your potential partner that irritate you now but which you are sure "will change after we are married?"
3. Is their something in your potential partner's history that raises red flags? Multiple short relationships? No relationships? Multiple divorces? Addictions? Serious financial problems? A pattern of dishonesty? There may be significant parts of his/her history about which you know nothing. Does that feel safe?
   
4. How about your interests? If one person cherishes outdoor activities and the other is an indoor person, how will that be handled? Do you love dancing while the other hates it? Golf? Bowling? Travel? No, your interests don't have to be the same but you should be able to see the path to compromise.
5. Are children involved? Do you feel that your children are accepted by your partner? Do you accept his/hers? How do the children react to the presence of your partner. You shouldn't let your children dictate your relationships but you are asking for trouble if you can't see a way for them to learn to accept, if not love, this new person.
6. In my opinion, the most important reason for you to at least back off and maybe even walk away from an otherwise attractive relationship is your gut. Do you have a "gut feeling," or "feeling in the pit of your stomach" that something is just not right? It doesn't matter what it might be. What's important is the feeling. We regularly ignore these feelings of intuition or foreboding and very often this leads to problems that could have been avoided had we trusted our feelings and intuition.

I'm not suggesting that you walk away from every opportunity or relationship that doesn't fit a specific set of standards, rules, or needs. There wouldn't be many relationships if we always let our doubts get in the way of love. All I'm suggesting is that you should always be willing to walk away.

Of course there are relationships that work well even though there were serious doubts in the beginning. Unfortunately, I believe those are the exception. If there are serious questions or doubts or if you simply can't see how you can make the differences work for you then you should definitely walk away. Don't wait one or five or ten or more years to realize this relationship is wrong for you. Make the break now. Grieve the loss now. Use the years you might have spent in a bad relationship to celebrate the good one you allowed yourself to find. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to recover from the heartache. And the longer you wait the more people you involve in the loss.

Yes, you must be able to walk away. Although it may not feel like it at the time, you will find just the right car or house or person with whom to spend the rest of your life.

I Got Happiness Instead (by Gayle)

When Ron and I met we were both smokers. A few years later I quit and within a few months Ron did too. Over time cigarettes found their way back into our lives (okay, we found them) and we became full time smokers (addicts) again. Neither of us had any delusions about smoking. We knew the health consequences and each professed a desire to be smoke free. I smoked my last cigarette in early 1992. This time Ron did not quit. He made attempts, but continued to wrestle with it for another eleven years. He no longer smoked in the house and sometimes even hid it from me. Mostly he just kept me out of it. When he began having blood pressure problems in the mid-nineties, I became adamant that he quit smoking NOW. I knew I was right.

He knew I was right too, but that didn’t make it easier for him to quit. What started out as a heartfelt plea to my husband became nagging. The nagging morphed into bitching and the bitching became unadulterated harassment. I felt vindicated. The surgeon general was on my side, his doctors were on my side, for the most part society was on my side, and his children were on my side.

I was right and I knew it, but being right wasn’t making me happy. What were my choices? I could leave him (physically and/or emotionally) or I could practice some acceptance. I did neither for the majority of the time. I stayed in my “rightness” and judged the hell out of him. One of the most painful memories I have was telling him that I thought he was weak because he continued to smoke. Talk about a self-righteous bitch. He was battling an addiction and I invalidated him over and over again. I have since asked for and been given his forgiveness, but I am still sad when I remember how I acted.

In the year or two before he quit smoking, I finally began to set better boundaries for myself. I was never happy about his smoking, but I agonized less. I searched and found ways to reduce (I didn’t say quit) my need to control him. I found more acceptance for his struggle and knew it was not my battle to fight. I never did it perfectly, but I was happier and so was he.

How did I do it? I practiced what we "preached" in our blogs "Selfishness Alway Gets a Bad Rap" and Come Grow Selfisher With Me. I selfishly decided my happiness was more important than my need to right. I focused on what worked in my life and in our life and I did a lot of praying...

In March of 2003 he made the choice for himself to smoke his last cigarette.

Life holds so much - so much to be so happy about always. Most people ask for happiness on conditions. Happiness can be felt only if you don't set conditions.
~Artur Rubinstein

Silverlocks and the 3 (well more than that) Hairs (by Gayle)

I recently read that the single most important invention responsible for us looking younger longer is hair color. With all the other advances (Botox, nips, tucks, lifts, potions, lotions, and peels) in “anti-aging”, I was surprised by this statement. Hair color has been around forever. Then I pondered its impact in my own life.

My mother - Goldie Luster (not her nickname) had silver locks by the time I was born 2 months and 3 days after her 40th birthday. It was 1957. Not an era in which women were typically choosing to wait until midlife to give birth to children. In fact, my mother hadn’t waited. She had given birth 16 years earlier to a son who survived for 3 fleeting days. My parents continued to want a child in the years to come, but evidently I wasn’t ready to be here yet. They were preparing to start the adoption process when I came bounding into their lives.

When I was 5, dad commissioned an artist to paint a portrait of my mother and me. At 45, her silver locks shone like a precious metal highly polished. My father adored her hair color. I know he loved me, but I think the painting was really meant to capture the beauty of her hair for all time.

By the time I was 6, the kids at school thought my mother was my grandmother. They didn’t understand the beauty of her silver locks. Neither did I. I was embarrassed by the color of her hair. I begged her to get her hair dyed. My dad did not consent. It was my mother’s head, but in those days dad was THE head of our house. No hair was changing color unless he agreed.

It wasn’t until I was 8 that my wish finally came true. My little 3 year old cousin Jody was able to reach my mom where I had failed. Jody’s favorite book was full of illustrated nursery rhymes. Jody seemed obsessed with The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe. She was constantly saying “there was an old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children she didn’t know what to do” in our presence. She dragged the book toward my mom. Mom thought Jody was bringing the book to her to read out loud. But when Jody got next to mom she opened the book and pointed to the old woman who lived in the shoe . Obviously the old woman didn’t have a flat iron, styling products, or much time to tend to her silver locks – her hair was standing on end looking frazzled.

Sweet little Jody looked at my mom and pointed to the picture. My mom got it – we didn’t - yet. Thankfully my mother’s sense of humor was much better developed that her sense of vanity. Mom started laughing and asked Jody if she (my mom) looked liked the old woman who lived in the shoe. Jody nodded innocently. That was the day my mother became THE head of her own head. Within weeks Silverlocks was gone never to be seen again.

More than 40 years later, no one had to read a nursery rhyme to prompt me get my hair colored. The first time the gray started persistently peeking at me, I sought help! Now every six weeks you’ll find Ron and faithfully tending to the ritual of highlighting and coloring gray at the salon. We visit our stylist on the same day and share an appointment so to speak. I arrive 30 minutes before him to get highlighting foils and color applied. While I’m “baking”, our stylist put highlighting foils in Ron’s hair. Yes Ron gets highlights. After too much “Sun-In” one summer, he decided to get professional help (remember, I told you we get outside assistance when we need it!) To read more about his hair coloring history click here.

For years in this May-December relationship our age difference was not much of a visual issue. People could tell he was ambiguously older than me, but no one was calling CPS. Only lately has the difference become more noticeable. In recent years we’ve had a couple of encounters where it was assumed that Ron was my father. That’s a story for another blog, but suffice it to say I didn’t like it. I think Ron took it much better than me. His pride didn’t appear wounded. I reeled silently.

Actually, I think it bothered Little Gayle, just like she didn’t want people thinking her mother was her grandmother, she didn’t want people thinking her husband was her father (ick). So I began wondering if I should grow my hair to it’s natural color. My stylist strongly objected. She said it would age me prematurely (wasn’t that the point) and that the color would look awful (no beautiful Silverlocks for me!) Coincidentally, Ron started wondering what he would look like if he let his hair grow out to its natural color (did I mention that Ron’s son also has beautiful Silverlocks.)

So there I am with a major boundary dilemma. It was Ron’s head, but I didn’t want him to change it. I struggled with what to do or not do. Finally I decided to try the enlightened (not highlightened) path and tell him about my feelings and my confusion. I explained from where my anxieties were coming and told him that I knew what he did with his hair was ultimately his decision. In Ron's typically laid back fashion he replied with a nonchalant shrug and said “No problem - I was just wonderin.” I spend (waste) a whole lot more energy worrying that he does!

And that was that. Once we (Little Gayle and I) got heard and understood the anxiety dissipated. Ron and I still get highlightened and I have ALL my gray covered too. Now I get devilish pleasure when I see confusion in someone’s eyes about our age difference. I better enjoy their perplexity while it lasts. Who knows how long it will be before my hair color isn’t enough to throw them off track! Whether or not Silverlocks ever comes to visit the heads of Lambert-Luster household remains to be seen.

It's Not Always About the Gap (by Ron)

My first wife and I married when I was 18. My parents didn't have a great deal of advanced notice. I was home from Navy boot camp when she and I decided to marry during my two week leave. I can recall my mother following me from the front porch to the card yelling that I was not getting married. I was too young!

My ex and I were married almost a quarter century. In that period of time my mother and the rest of my family took her into the family without reservation. Needless to say our divorce did not sit well with them.

When we separated and I began the divorce proceedings I called my parents to tell them. Although I was no longer a child mom continued to think of me that way. She told me that I needed to make my marriage work and "forget this divorce foolishness."

Later, when I told her I was divorced and planned to marry Gayle she said, "she's only after your big check." She didn't even mention the age difference.

Personal boundaries never existed in my family of origin. Mom and dad felt we kids should always toe their line. If we didn't, we heard about it a lot, primarily from mom. When one of us put our foot down and did what we wanted, mom often complained to all of the other siblings. Everyone always knew what and whom mom was angry about. I knew I was destined to hear a lot from her about my new marriage, but I also knew I was going to keep my boundaries with my family secure.

Mom wasn't worried that I was 15 years older than Gayle. She wasn't interested in the size of Gayle's check. She simply didn't want to deal with the first divorce in our family. She wanted things to continue the way she wanted them to be. She wasn't a bad person, she was just scared and confused about the future.

Finally, when she knew she had lost, she brought out the big guns. "Ronnie", she said, "you can never bring that woman into my home." That took me by surprise. I had not expected my family to immediately welcome Gayle with open arms. However, I certainly hadn't expected her to be barred from my home. This was the beginning of major changes in my relationship with my mother. My response to the woman who had borne me and whom I knew loved me dearly was simple and direct. "Mom, she's my wife and if she's not welcome in your home then neither am I. I suppose we have seen each other for the last time in this life."

She didn't believe me, of course, and continued to ask when I was coming home to see them. I continued to emphasize that I could not come home alone. This continued through the Christmas holiday season. On Christmas day I made a call to mom and dad, as I always did. As usual since my divorce our conversations were uncomfortable. Dad spoke for only a few minutes, as was his usual pattern. Mom and I talked a little longer but I was finally able to begin bringing the conversation to a close. As I told mom goodbye and gave her my love I heard her say something that was totally unexpected. She said, "let me talk to Gayle."

On Becoming Old, Bitchy, and Itchy (by Gayle)

I'm weary of being told that 50 is the new 30 or 40 or 49 or whatever. I wonder if it isn't our newest form of denial. And I'm certain it can be more pressure to be more (or less) than we already are.

I've been married to Ron for 21 years. On our wedding day, he was about to turn 45 and I had recently celebrated my 30th birthday. Those numbers meant nothing me. We were (and are) so compatible that age just wasn't a consideration. When he turned 50, I teased him about the AARP literature flooding our mailbox. He took it well and teased back. He warned me my day was coming albeit 15 years down the road. Even our "60-45" year didn't seem very monumental. It was notable because Ron was going into a new decade (something he was doing for only the 6th time in his life). I thought the occasion was worthy of a surprise party. We celebrated with friends and family at a casino in Louisiana.

But when our "49-64" year hit, I got all itchy (and bitchy) inside. I was prepared for the AARP mailings, but I wasn't prepared for the Medicare sign up mailings that were coming to "get" Ron. All of a sudden, I wasn't just dealing with my shriveling ovaries squeezing out the last of their eggs and the night sweats that were waking me up far before sunrise. My aging was no longer only about me. I was experiencing it against the backdrop of his aging and he was 15 years ahead of me. The boundaries were blurry.

The (thankfully mild) stroke Ron had in 2003 happened inside his brain, but it changed our lives. The knees that need replacing are under his skin, but the way they impact us is getting under mine. I want him to be 50 with me and I don't want to be 65 with him (except when he is 80). The fact of the matter is different than the heart of the matter. What does matter is our love - a love I believe existed before this life and will go with us into the next. So age doesn't get to matter now.

In any relationship, a large part of our happiness relates to focus (you know the glass half full or empty thing.) You don't generally start a May-December romance focusing on age. But, when things get rough, it easy to place the focus there. In reality, what is happening to us could be happening to anyone. It has nothing to do with May or December or age or gaps. It has to do with life. It has to do with what Ron talks about in his post "Life is a Death Sentence."

So, the next time I'm shredding mail from AARP and Medicare I'll be finding a new focus. I'm going to shred it with a vengeance, channel my anger that this life comes with an expiration date into the grinding sound of the blades, and give thanks I get one more day to live and love...

Pooling Around (by Gayle)

Spring doesn't last long here in our part of Texas. It already feels like summer, but I'm frustrated because our pool isn't ready for swimming. I've been practicing pool chemisty for 9 years now and I still can't quite get it right. Today Ron and I made one of our numerous summer treks to the pool store. I wish we had gone sooner. Today would have been a great day to get in the water.

One more time, we show up with a bottle of pool water in hand begging for HELP! A pool connoisseur is going to have to show us how to fix this mess. Again I learn something new about pool water chemistry. I continue to be amazed at how much there is discover about this subject and wonder if that's what they were teaching the day I skipped chemistry class in my senior year.

We return home with list of detailed instructions. We have pool homework! Add a little of this, wait a few hours, put in a dash of that, wait a bit more, and top it off with a skosh of something else. Sleep on it and the pool should be good to go in the morning.

During 21 years of swimming in the same pool with Ron - so to speak, we've made treks all over the country (including the Barnes and Noble right down the street) to get expert advice for our marriage. In some instances, more desperately than in others. Keeping the waters of our marriage swimable is an ongoing process and a delicate balance. Some days I need a little extra togetherness. On others, I "vant to be left alone". Ron isn't a mind a reader and I don't come with one of those nifty chemical test kits to help him figure out exactly how much of what I need and when.

One of the things we know for absolutely positively sure about each other is that we don't know anything for absolutely positively sure about each other (an exaggeration - our genders have remained the same throughout the years give or take a little estrogen and testosterone). When our water gets murky, we try to figure it on our own. If it doesn't clear up after awhile, we get help. We've learned that getting help is NOT a sign of failure, it's a part of our committment to staying "in love". We don't wait to ask for assistance nearly as long as we used to. We want the waters swimable as much as possible.

We also discovered that sometimes we have to sleep on it and we'll be good to go in the morning!