My mother was what kind of cat (by Gayle)

I was reading a question on one of my favorite age gap relationship forums. I felt compelled to write the following post as a response to the question. If you read what I've written you'll figure out what question to which I am responding. So hang in there it will all make sense, I just had to share it here!

I'd like to introduce you guys to my mom and my step-dad. Here is their picture. They had a 15 year age difference. The pic was taken in 1976. My father had died 5 years earlier leaving her a widow at the young age of 54. The age gap between my mom and dad was 8 DAYS. My mother died 5 years ago shortly before her 85th birthday and what would have been her 28th wedding anniversary with my step-father.

Now, 5 years later, my step-father enjoys dating a variety of women closer to his own age. We just celebrated his 76th birthday. I guess my mom was a cougar long before it was cool. Their 15 year age difference worked beautifully and was full and complete is EVERY way. The only problem they had is that sometimes HE had a hard time keeping up with her. I can hear her wonderful and much missed laugh as I type these words. She would have had a ball with the concept of being a "cougar.".

I'm sorry I digressed, what was the question? Something about "what could he possibly see in a woman 18 years older who is his mother's age"....

You Must be Able to Walk Away (by Ron)

"You have to be able to walk away!" "Don't fall so in love with something that you can't say no or wait for better timing!" "You'll regret it if you don't walk away from that deal!" Do these sound familiar? I heard them many times in my life and didn't always listen. So what happened to me when I didn't listen? I bought a car I couldn't afford but it sure was beautiful. I bought more than one house that was too expensive but they were "perfect", and I even bought an airplane that I didn't have time to fly and hadn't considered the cost of caring for and feeding it! In the long run, all the times I didn't listen contributed to serious financial problems later in my life.

So, have you heard this before? Did you listen? Most of us didn't. When you fall in love with a car, a house, a boat, an airplane or a person, the power of that desire often covers up all of the good reasons why you should walk away from the deal. With cars or houses or other toys it isn't really difficult to see the reasons why you should walk away. More often than not you are taking on a (financial) commitment that you knew deep down inside was a bad idea.

If you've fallen in love with a person it may not be quite so easy to walk away. You love them! You want them! You can't see how anything could be wrong because you love them so much! You can even see how much they love you! Why on earth would you want to walk away from all of that love? Love will conquer all. Right?

If you are asking yourself these questions you may need to seriously consider at least stepping back from the relationship for a while. How can you know for sure? Ultimately it's up to you, but I can offer a few guidelines that I have seen work for others who were asking themselves similar questions. I'm sure there are more and would welcome your comments and suggestions, but here is today's list.

1. Do the two of you share similar values? About love, family, finances, boundaries, spirituality, and commitments?
2. Are there things about your potential partner that irritate you now but which you are sure "will change after we are married?"
3. Is their something in your potential partner's history that raises red flags? Multiple short relationships? No relationships? Multiple divorces? Addictions? Serious financial problems? A pattern of dishonesty? There may be significant parts of his/her history about which you know nothing. Does that feel safe?
   
4. How about your interests? If one person cherishes outdoor activities and the other is an indoor person, how will that be handled? Do you love dancing while the other hates it? Golf? Bowling? Travel? No, your interests don't have to be the same but you should be able to see the path to compromise.
5. Are children involved? Do you feel that your children are accepted by your partner? Do you accept his/hers? How do the children react to the presence of your partner. You shouldn't let your children dictate your relationships but you are asking for trouble if you can't see a way for them to learn to accept, if not love, this new person.
6. In my opinion, the most important reason for you to at least back off and maybe even walk away from an otherwise attractive relationship is your gut. Do you have a "gut feeling," or "feeling in the pit of your stomach" that something is just not right? It doesn't matter what it might be. What's important is the feeling. We regularly ignore these feelings of intuition or foreboding and very often this leads to problems that could have been avoided had we trusted our feelings and intuition.

I'm not suggesting that you walk away from every opportunity or relationship that doesn't fit a specific set of standards, rules, or needs. There wouldn't be many relationships if we always let our doubts get in the way of love. All I'm suggesting is that you should always be willing to walk away.

Of course there are relationships that work well even though there were serious doubts in the beginning. Unfortunately, I believe those are the exception. If there are serious questions or doubts or if you simply can't see how you can make the differences work for you then you should definitely walk away. Don't wait one or five or ten or more years to realize this relationship is wrong for you. Make the break now. Grieve the loss now. Use the years you might have spent in a bad relationship to celebrate the good one you allowed yourself to find. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to recover from the heartache. And the longer you wait the more people you involve in the loss.

Yes, you must be able to walk away. Although it may not feel like it at the time, you will find just the right car or house or person with whom to spend the rest of your life.

The Easy Way Isn't Always (By Ron)

The easy way, that is. You might wonder what five days of hiking at 8,000 feet of altitude might have to do with our relationship blogs. In this case, they have everything to do with them. Gayle and I just completed our 9th trip to Yellowstone National Park. The beauty of the park is always enhanced by getting up close and personal so we always plan to hike a lot to get out into nature and away from crowds.

For past trips I have been in much better physical shape. As you may know, I'm am carrying some extra weight and have knee and ankle problems. We have been busier that ever and somehow I let my pre-Yellowstone conditioning slide. During one of my surfing trips on the internet I came upon an advertisement for small cans of oxygen. I talked with the people who sold them and was assured they would help when I was gasping for breath as I climbed Mount Washburn.

Well, I bought eight of the cans. When I got them I was surprised to see they were larger than large hairspray cans. I figured they would work, though. They were the easy way out for me to survive the hikes in my poor condition. They did work. I had two of them in my Camelbak and when I got winded I took off my pack, took out the can with the inhaler mask on it, and fiddled with it till it worked. And I felt better. I was still tired, but not out of breath. Then I put the large can back in my Camelbak, put the pack back on, and continued on the hike.

It really wasn't the easy way. It was embarassing to be seen huffing out of a can on the mountain so I had to make sure I did it when no one could see. It was also a lot of trouble removing and putting my pack back on. In short, it wasn't worth it. I still made the hikes but I learned a lesson about not putting off my conditioning.

So, what's the relevance here? It's simple. How many times in your relationships have you taken the easy way out? How many times did that get you the result you wanted? Not many, I'll wager. Relationships are never easy. They are never simple. There isn't a small can of oxygen that will easily breathe life into a troubled relationship. As I tell my couple clients, "you have to do the work!" Still, we look for the easy way so much of the time.

Here are some examples of the "easy ways" we use to try to make our relationships better, or even make them work. How easy do they sound to you? Please comment and add the "easy ways" you have seen or used in relationships.

1. "I'll do anything you want." (If you have been to any our our workshops you might remember how that one looked when we acted it out.)
   
   
2. "I'll just wait until things are a lot calmer. Then I can tell him/her how I feel."
   
   
3. "Oh, it wasn't that bad (what he/she said or did.) "I'll just let it pass for now. I'm sure he/she didn't mean it."
   
   
4. "Well I went to a therapist with him/her. As soon as he/she finishes the work we'll be ok."
   
   
5. "That really pissed me off but I'll wait until I find a more appropriate time to bring it up again."
   
   
6. "That hurt so badly but I just can't say anything about how I feel or it will cause more problems."
   
   
7. "As soon as the kids are grown I'm outta here!"

Here's hoping you don't take the easy way. We'd like you to add your wisdom to our blog.

Gayle's List

What are 5 things Ron can say or do that make you feel loved?

1. Putting up with my sense of humor even though I know it’s overwhelming for him at times.

2. Sharing the people, places, and things he loves the most with me.

3. Eye contact with me and interest in what I am saying even when I know the topic may be a bit boring for him.

4. His abiding patience when I am in “buzzy hummingbird” mode.

5. His willingness to share his feelings with me even though he’s more of a”thinker” than a“feeler”.

Ron's List

What are 5 things Gayle can say or do that make you feel loved?

1. Seeing how much she loves my kids and grandkids.

2. A gentle touch.

3. Listening to what I have to say no matter what it is.

4. Seeing her smile at me.

5. Telling me when I’ve done something well or that she appreciates me.

What Makes You Feel LOVE?

We’re headed home from 10 priceless days in the mountains with children and grandchildren. I’m feeling happy, sad, and completely filled with love. I’m wondering where loves come from? Of course I have my own ideas and beliefs, but rather than write about it myself, I decided to ask you.

In our work with couples, an old standby homework assignment we give is to make a list of “5 things your partner can SAY or DO that cause you to feel loved.” We’ll publish items from our lists later this week.

Today the question to you is...

What makes you feel love?

Gayle's Comments on Generosity of Spirit

I realized that in my original post I told you about Ron’s generosity of spirit - not mine. I did talk some about my own in a weekly pondering on my website. I have my own tapes about not bragging or being conceited. I am an only child and my mother wanted everyone to like me. She was scared out of her wits someone might think I was selfish or conceited. As I got older my mom bragged about me so much that I usually felt like crawling under a table when we were with friends and family.

So I’ll stretch here and walk my talk. I have always been better at promoting other people and products I believe in than I am at promoting myself. I can’t tell you how many doctors, counselors, acupuncturists, and multi-level sales people have me to thank for an abundance of referrals. My spirit was and still is generous with them. I, however, am working on being more generous with myself in this way. Loosely quoting T. Harv Eker author of The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind - an entrepreneur is someone who solves other people’s problem at a profit. He encourages you to see the promotion part of growing your business not only as a way to make more money, but as a way to help more people solve their problems.

For years I was the primary laundress, yard boy, cook, and pool boy at our house (Ron would pitch in from time to time.) I’m now getting some help with these chores. Some of the help is coming from Ron (he’s a darn cute pool boy) and some of the tasks are being hired out. This is so I can spend more time writing. I also love to have parties for people. Ron helps with this, but I am definitely the primary party coordinator in our household. We’ve hosted several milestone birthday events and showers for friends and family.

For our 18th wedding anniversary I legally changed my last name to Lambert. This was, in part, to affirm how much I love and his/our family. In my personal life I wanted to carry the name of my spiritual family. Professionally I still carry my father’s name - Luster - this is my offering of love to him. He was my role model for entrepreneurship. I’ve had to rewrite some of his scripts, but his ability to successfully promote himself thereby helping lots of people solve their problems was second to none. I admire him and hope I can continue to integrate his positive traits into my life.

What does all this have to do with age gap relationships? When the inevitable differences arise in energy levels, generational wisdom archives, parenting styles, hobbies, wants, and needs - generosity is universal and will transcend the gap. The challenge is be generous with yourself as well or you’ll end up be trapped in resentment.