Generosity of Spirit (By Ron)

About 80% of the couples in my practice come in with communication, sex, or money issues. Every now and then a couple presents with step-children problems or questions. These can be from blended families or those in which only one partner brought children to the relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, the problems are often significant.

When Gayle and I married I already had four children, the youngest of whom was in her teens. Not surprisingly, none of them were happy that their mom and I had divorced. They also weren’t happy that I was marrying Gayle (or anyone else for that matter.) Gayle knew it was likely she would face problems like most step-parents.

So, how did she approach the potential for problems with my kids? She "loved" (a verb) them. Over time she grew to "love" (a noun) them. She went through quite a bit of “not being accepted” behavior and did not let it turn her away from me or my kids. I could see how it hurt her but she continued to hang in there. She knew there was no “us” without them.

It takes a great deal of generosity of spirit to be able to persevere in the face of non-acceptance. She could see they simply didn’t know how to handle what had happened. Although it felt like it at times, she knew it wasn't personal. Her arms were and are always open to them and their families. Doing it in their own different ways, they have also come to love (both the verb and noun) her even though she isn’t and doesn’t try to be their mother. They recognize how giving she is and are able to give back to her.

We consciously made the decision to not have children together. My kids are her “bonus” children and she loves them dearly. Together we have 12 grandchildren. They know "Gigi" only as their grandparent. They don’t question it. They know the depth of love and generosity of spirit that Gayle has for them.

Ours is not a particularly unique situation. Quite often, however, relationships fail because a partner cannot endure the isolation that comes from being the “outsider.” It takes a strong and generous spirit to survive and thrive as has Gayle.

Generosity of Spirit (by Gayle)

One of the secrets to a lasting relationship is to find ways to honor and deepen your commitment to each other. I’ve found that practicing a little generosity of spirit can go a long way toward bridging the age gap (or any kind of gap for that matter) within a couple. For starters, I want you to identify the gaps that exist between you and your partner. Not only do Ron and I have a significant age gap, but we also suffer from “time gaps.” Our busy and demanding schedules get in the way of our quality couple time.

Ron has a very generous spirit. It’s not necessarily that he is generous with things (although he is) - it’s more about being generous with himself and taking care of little things. I hate alarm clocks. I find it “alarming” to be rousted about of bed by the sounds of buzzers and bells. Thankfully, my loving husband is willing to facilitate the process of waking me each morning. I am greeted by a lovely cup of coffee, two beagle dogbabies, and my husband’s generous spirit each morning. The dogbabies lick my face, the husband kisses my face (not where dogbabies have licked) and the coffee goes into my face. This process makes it much easier for me to start my day. I sorely miss the ritual when Ron is out of town. What is especially amazing is that the ritual continues even when Ron and I aren’t getting along so well (yes “stuff” happens even when you are deeply committed to each other!)

If I ever question how much he loves me or how committed he is to us, I don’t have to look very far. There are breadcrumbs of his generous spirit everywhere along our trail.